its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just sucked dick on a ferry
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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