He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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