Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
