I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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