Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
