I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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