So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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