Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
