I like to think it a success when the cops are called
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
