i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
