Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
