Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think my nap took me to another dimension
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
