I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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