also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
