i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
