i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
