I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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