Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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