Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
