I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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