I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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