you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
