everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
