then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
