the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
