I cannot find my penis.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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