New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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