I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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