Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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