Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
