Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
