hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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