so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I AM VODKA MAN
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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