My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
