No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
