so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
