Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
