so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
