This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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