I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
