why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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