Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
