She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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