we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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