I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
