i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
