i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
