Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My ATM looks so different sober.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
