Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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