She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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